“ In The Beginning …. “
(Forgive Me, I Know Not What I Do)
In the beginning …….
Man first set foot on planet earth. He was all alone and soon became bored. After what seemed like a billion games of solitaire, most of which he always lost, he was at wit’s end (even for man). He tried humming and singing but there was nothing called ‘music’ back in those days. Unless, of course, you considered the Dinosaurs’ enormous wailings as the precursor to “RAP“. Man heard their sound and he was not pleased. But, man proved the theory that he WAS more intelligent than the soon-to-be-extinct, pea-brained ’saurs, as he knew enough to not complain to them as their huge stomachs were constantly rumbling.
One late evening, over a roaring campfire, man reached in to add another log. As he threw the next wood limb onto the pile, a bunch of sparks flew into the air, hitting him all over his naked skin. Man screamed. Rather, he wailed and howled. Similar to the dinosaurs but much more in tune. Thus, his random accident gave birth to ’music’. More precisely, what we now have come to call ‘the blues’. It was also the first known earthly ‘dance’. Soon, man was finding different wooden limbs from varying types of trees to throw into the fire. To generate different types of sparks. This resulted in man learning how to scream in different tones and octaves. Especially, when said sparks landed on the ‘family jewels’. Soon man was well versed in all music cultures. Even the ‘saurs approved and thumped their mighty tails in unison on the earth. It was the first time a ‘drumbeat’ was heard.
However, man once again became easily bored. He didn’t know why, but he felt like he needed something to do while screaming out his music and dancing around in pain as sparks attacked his body. Eureka! He had another idea. He needed a dance ‘partner’! So, man asked the MAN above for one. When he awoke the next morning, his eyes stared at a scantily clad vision standing beside his hut. Man saw it was good. Mighty fine, indeed. A perfect ’10’! Man introduced himself to this lovely specimen. He named her ‘woman’. Woman was frightened. She did not know where she was. It was like she had just been created or something (groan). Man felt a soreness in his rib area but was too obsessed with staring at woman to pay much attention. That night, over the usual roaring fire, man told her all that he knew. After those five minutes had passed, woman began asking questions of her own. Many questions, in fact. So many, that man eventually learned to speak his first word. NAG. Man then added an ’ing’ to it. NAGGING. Man evolved quickly.
Woman continued on for days on end. Poor man even seriously considered moving in with the ferocious ’saurs but wisely thought better of that idea. Woman kept trying to tell man how he should keep his hut clean. How he needed to wash and cut his dirty, shoulder length hair. Man became angrier as days went by but he was also feeling something he had not ever felt before. LUST. Something happened when his eyes roamed over this new creature called woman. No matter how much and how often woman nagged him, he felt this LUST (I guess man does not evolve as fast as I thought?).
Woman also asked personal questions of man. Like, “Does my butt look big in this loincloth?” Man, as his later fellows would do, made the mistake of saying, “Yes”. Man soon learned woman had a quick temper. Even when man just told the honest truth. Man soon learned that he had to handle woman much differently than all the birds and animals around him. Thus, modern day psychiatry was invented by man. He practiced it on woman daily. He learned what he should think, say and do with woman. In order to be on her good side. Woman enjoyed all this attention from man. She began seeing man in a whole new light.
One summer night, after a belly-filling meal, woman snuggled up beside man. She looked longingly into his eyes, her lips pursed a demure smile and woman curled her hair with those dainty fingers. Immediately, man’s brain was no longer working properly (even more so than not working normally). Before man knew it, he and woman were in his hut. Strange sounds were heard by the ’saurs that night (for well over two minutes). Another music term was born that evening, a ’duo’. In two part harmony.
Not long after, woman became tired of man. He no longer kept his hut clean or kept a roaring fire. He rarely hunted for food. He just slept most of the day in his plush, leafy hammock. Woman began hearing terrible sounds while he snoozed. ’Snoring’ was added to our earthly vocabulary. All man wanted now was to chase woman around his hut. Woman decided she’d had enough of man. She gave him strict orders, “No food, no clean hut, no roaring fire, NO hanky panky!” Again, man took his psychiatric trainings to the next level. He invented the most famous two words yet heard to this day, “YES, DEAR”. Woman saw this was good. Man was not a happy camper but what the heck, a man had to do what a man had to do, right?
One day, after a few months, woman woke up screaming. Man ran into the hut. Woman’s belly was much bigger. Both man and woman were puzzled and very worried about what this meant. Six months later, man heard more screaming. Man saw another first. A tiny thing that looked all wrinkly (no, it wasn’t man admiring himself). The tiny thing looked like man but smaller. Man was pleased. Woman was relieved. She looked great again! Woman knew it was a ‘boy’ because he immediately wanted to suckle her breasts.
Ten years and five more children later, man had enough. He didn’t want to work his entire life away to support woman and six kids. All they ever said was, “I love you, MOM”. So, man headed off on an explorative trek. To see what lay beyond the horizons. He told woman, “I am going to see what lay beyond the horizons” (groan). She smiled and said, “Ok, honey. Take your time!” (ladies, laugh here).
Man then asked woman, “How long do you think it will take before I find anything”? To which woman replied, “Well, I guess that depends ……. On whether you’ll FINALLY ask for directions or not!”
Lost, butt-scratching, belching, AND ‘musically’ yours,
TallPockets - 2008
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